It was of that time when we were crossing the teenage era. We used to gossip on those who tried killing themselves, why would one? May be you did it too. May be we all did when we were young. Then I met her. And then I heard her.
Whenever it’d cross her mind, her gaze would stop at a place. And you can tell by looking at her, how she is so not at that place then.. she is somewhere else, in some other time.. She’d say,
“And that feeling, the aura that surrounds you when you’re about to close your eyes.. and know, it all is coming to an end; very soon, no more struggling, faking, trying, jostling and juggling with emotions, no more fear, no more being ashamed… nothing! You go beyond it all! And s.l.o.w.l.y your eyelids fall, sleep comes crawling to you like your beloved pet.. and you welcome it with open arms! Such peace! Only this knowing – is so beautiful, that none of the struggles would continue. Because by then you have fought so many wars, and failed every single one of them and with each you lost some parts of you and now you either die or surrender to the opponent here. The second option is worse than dying. So you gracefully go with the first.
If there’s anything I regret, then that is this, that I took only 10, I should’ve taken all of them. Such a fool of me! I didn’t want my parents to find out what killed me, I didn’t want them to hospitalize me! I DIDN’T WANNA WAKE UP. EVER AGAIN!
It was a warm summer afternoon, I remember. My brother was going to come from school around 4, so I unlocked the door, kept it open. Hid my personal diary. Then, when I walked to the pills, all my tears have dried. And nothing moved me anymore. No sorrow, no regret, no stain of doubt. At that point you’re determined enough! But it all comes down to the moment I closed my eyes, again.. I’ve never found that much of peace – ever! ..”
She’d say, “you know why I think it’s said that once someone has attempted suicide they’d try again?..
Because simply they’ve felt the almost. They’ve almost reached that peace. They’ve almost reached the final line. They know how it is to go beyond it all. They’ve half tasted death.’’ She’d pause and smile dimly , “and from personal experience Madhu, it’s so beautiful! I hope you never stand on that ground where you lose the sense of not-doing it, but I wish I could lend you some of that peace…”
“so would you?..” I asked her hesitantly. She looked at me. “Do you think you’ll do it again?”
with a smile she looked out of the window, “Maybe. Maybe not. But IF I should.., then this time all of them. No silly mistake. No more waking up again.” Her voice enough stern for me to realize, she means every word in there.
She would stop and talk again, about that afternoon, and all the previous ones that pushed her to this. Her voice turned dim, as if powerless, and heavy with disappointments, when all the abuse that let her feel terrible about herself, all the personal discords that made her feel cold and left alone and with all the negligence she had suffered that long come in the story.
… and I’d find out how, people are not escaping when they decide to die. They just can’t look eye to eye at their own selves being that weak! They want to take control, have the upper hand when it’s about emotions. But the situations, people, have been so heavy on them, that they find their strength at their lowest. They can’t find the power to stand up, neither can they stand being such weak. Their self acceptance doesn’t filter this feeling. Hence, Eliminate thy self.
Suicidal attempts are common in teenage. For the people, for the reasons people choose death over life, are stronger than their own esteem, their own courage and self-belief. Hence, these people need others to be more empathetic. Correct yourself if you thought sympathetic, they need empathy. Sympathy is next to mockery for them. They need a shoulder, an ear. Atleast someone who would listen to them, to understand, not to reply. Be there just to be there.
She would giggle “but I woke up!” then the smile disappears, “that is the worst part in it. Failing in that. So you have to surrender now. And you are not ready. You were never ready! That is why you chose to stop what is the only thing you can truly call yours – your heartbeat!” There is a pause. Then she would take a deep breath and some how you know she is back in here, “it takes time to deal with that fail. Many attempt soon again. Maybe I would’ve too. But something told me I had more war to go to, may be fail in all but I’m not going to be retired anytime soon.” And there is a helpless, yet graceful smile on her face.
That gives me hope. Even this much of zeal would work like a spark for a fire to build up for her. I wish, she always finds her strength, may be even at the odd most corner of her self, but may she find it always. And may no one go through what she has gone through. Her reasons, her pain, agony, anguish, friendlessness – may none of it touche anyone! But even if they do, I hope they find another shoulder, another soul, empathy.
To those who have not been to that side of life, if any of your friends are not well, mentally, emotionally, try being there for them, rather than just a “don’t give a damn about it, cheer up” line, be there present for them, physically and emotionally. A hug, a small talk, sometimes a night long conversation, some times just a checking up on people who are not doing well changes a lot for them.
So to those who are not thinking about dying, let others not slip into that thought also!
The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that each year approximately one million people die from suicide, and more who attempt it.
According to W.H.O:
- In Europe, particularly Eastern Europe, the highest suicide rates are reported for both men and women.
- The Eastern Mediterranean Region and Central Asia republics have the lowest suicide rates.
- Nearly 30% of all suicides worldwide occur in India and China.
- Suicides globally by age are as follows: 55% are aged between 15 to 44 years and 45% are aged 45 years and over.
- Youth suicide is increasing at the greatest rate.